A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.

She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left ... a little more to the right!"

A blonde walked into a library and said, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispered, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

A blonde had just finished doing her CPR course and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the shopping center she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people around him. Screaming "I know first aid" she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened all tight clothing and got ready to start mouth-to-mouth.

At this stage a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and asked "Do you mind, I am trying to arrest this man."

A russian, an american, and a blonde were talking one day.
The russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The american said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot, you'll burn up" said the russian.

To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

There was a blonde named Kelsey. Her arch enemy was a red-head named Jessica. Jessica was trying to annoy Kelsey by singing, "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes." When Jessica sang this to Kelsey 5 more times Kelsey said," Ok. Ok. Alright already. What's the song?"

This blonde was driving home one day on the highway when suddenly she saw a dead rabbit. She put on her brakes and screeched to a stop. Behind her were tons of other cars. She got out of her car and began asking all the people behind her if they had a can of hairspray. One person asked her why she had stopped and why she needed hairspray. The blonde told him to come to the front of her car. So he went to the front and saw a dead rabbit laying there. The person gave her a can of hairspray. The blonde replied, "Thank you." And the guy said, "Why do you need the hairspray?" The blonde sprayed it all over the rabbit and said, "The bottle says it revives dead hairs."

"I wish I can become really smart and find a way off this island." POOF! The redhead immediatly build a boat out of twigs and vines and sailed off the island.

The brunette then approached the genie and said "I wish to be even smarter than the redhead and find a way off the island." POOF! She started to collect rocks and seashells and made a airplane and flew right off the island.

Now very excited, the blonde said to the genie "I want to be even smarter than those two and find a way off this island. POOF! The blonde turned into a man and walked across the bridge.

A blonde a redhead and a brunette are on a burning building and the firefighters are below them with a net. They yell to the brunette "JUMP JUMP!" so she jumps. At the last minute the firefighters move out of the way and the brunette hits the ground and dies.

Then the firefighters yell to the redhead "JUMP JUMP" She yells back down "I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY FRIEND, HOW CAN I TRUST YOU?" They yell back "TRUST US" so she jumps and the firefighters do the same thing.

Then the firefighters yell to the blonde, "JUMP JUMP" so she yells back "I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY FRIENDS SO I WANT YOU TO PUT THE NET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND BACK AWAY"

There were two blonde's going hunting. It was getting late so one of the blonde's said to the other that she heard if you ever get lost in the woods to shoot three shots into the air. So she did. A few hours went by and so she fired three more shots in the air. A few more hours went by and they fired three more shots in the air. Then one of the blondes said someone better hurry up and save us ... we only have two more arrows left.

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walked into a room which contained a mirror inside. If you talked to the mirror and told a lie, it would suck you up. If you told the truth, it would give you a wish.
The brunette went first. She said, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world." And the mirror sucked her up.
Then the redhead went. She said, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world." And the mirror sucked her up.
So then the blonde went. She said, "I think-" And the mirror sucked her up.

There where these 3 blonde women that wanted to be policemen. So the blonde's go into the police station for the job but first they have to pass a test.

The first blonde goes in and the man asks her "What she can tell about the suspect in the photo?" So the blonde says "Well he must be half blind since he only has one eye."

The guy says no and that it is a side photo. So the next blonde comes in and says "Well he must be hard of hearing because he only has 1 ear" The man says " no, it is a side photo"

So its the last blondes turn and she goes in there and looks at the photo. She says, "Well, I believe that the suspect wears contacts. So the guy says, "well, I'm going to have to check on that." So he comes back and says "wow, how did you know the suspect wore contacts?" And the blonde replies, "well, it sure would be hard to buy glasses if you only have 1 eye and 1 ear."

A blonde by the name of Julie was getting pretty desperate for money. So she decided to go to the richer part of town and try to get a job as a handywoman. She rang the doorbell at the first house she came to, and a man answered the door. She asked if there were any odd jobs she could do, and he replied, "Well, actually, we need the porch painted—how much do you want?" Julie said she felt $50 was fair. He replied, "OK, the ladders, paint, and other tools you need are in the garage." When the man closed the door, his wife, who had overheard the conversation asked him, "$50, does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She must have, she was standing right on it." About 45 minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the man is surprised to find Julie there. She tells him that she's done, and states that she even had enough paint to do two coats. As the man is reaching into his wallet to pay her, Julie says, "Oh, and by the way, that isn't a Porsche—it's a Ferrari."

A blonde goes to Florida for some alligator boots. No matter which store she goes to, she can't find the boots. A few days later a manager of one of the stores is driving home at night and sees the blonde knee-deep in a swamp. All around her, alligators are lying belly-up. The manager stops and watches the blonde. Suddenly, the blonde grabs an alligator, wrestles it, and turns it over. She looks at its feet and says, "Damn! This one isn't wearing boots either!"

A married couple were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, the husband asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?"

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr- gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.

There is a blonde and a brunette that want to commit suicide, so they climb up the Eiffel tower. The brunette jumps off, and the blonde goes to somebody and asks how do you get down.

Blonde inventions:

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Ejector seat in a helicopter

Pedal-powered wheel chairs

Waterproof tea bags

There were two blondes walking down the street and they spotted a compact. They rushed over to see who it belonged to so they could return it. The first one opens it and says, "This person looks familiar" The second one says, "Let me see." She looks at her friend and says, "Silly, that's me!"

Me: Hey, Kelly, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Blonde Kelly: I dunno. How?
Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.
Me: Hey Kelly, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates.

A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him. When I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field."

Did you hear about the blonde that was arrested for shoplifting shoes from K-Mart? They caught him just as he was hopping out the front door.

Did you hear about the blonde who was shopping in Macy's when the power went out? She was trapped for three hours on an escalator.

A blonde goes to get her hair cut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, "How do you like it?" The blonde says, "It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer on the back?"

Blonde: I was born in the U.S.
Friend: Oh really, what part?
Blonde: All of me, silly.

A blonde sees a freight train coming and speeds up to beat it across the tracks. The investigator at the scene of the accident wrote on his report, "Some idiot, racing to beat the train, died when he hit the caboose."

Blonde's don't worry about flat tires because, as they reason ... "Heck, it's only flat on the bottom. If I need to go somewhere, I'll just drive on the top half."

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ... the Wal-Mart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building. How do you tell them apart? The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.

This milkman sees a note on the door of one of his blonde customers. The note asks for 100 quarts of milk. Thinking this a mistake, the milkman rings her doorbell and asks about the 100 quarts. She says, "Yes, I need 100 quarts. On the talk show I saw last night they said milk baths are good for the skin." The milkman asks, "Do you want it
PASTURIZED?" She answers, "No ... up to my shoulders will be sufficient"

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