A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.

Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."

Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."

They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."

He says, "That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. One blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled ''Vien Chez Moi.'' The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means ''Come to Me.'' So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, ''Does this smell like come to you? 'Cause it doesn't smell like come to me.''

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''

Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!

Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?

"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.

Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.

Male secretary : "Feel free to use my dictaphone."
New blonde employee : "No thanks, I'll just use my finger like everyone else."

What did the blonde say when asked why all of the sudden she started going to a Catholic Church?

She stretches out her arms and says, "Because there's a man hung like this"

A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she was looking for, and went to go pay for them. The clerk asked "Need a screw for those hinges?" " No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?"

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. "That will be $1.08, please" says the clerk. "What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging." "Tax" replies the clerk. "Gee" says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

One day a blonde guy comes home and hears strange noise's from the bedroom and so rushes upstairs to see what was wrong. When he open's the door he sees his wife naked on the bed sweating and panting. "What's going on?" he asked. "I'm having a heart attack" replied his wife. So the man rushes down stair's and pick's up the phone. As he's about to dial his little boy say's "Daddy, uncle Tom's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on." So the man slam's the phone down and goes back to the bedroom, passes his screaming wife and open's the closet door. Sure enough his brother is sitting on the floor of the closet cowering. "You rotten bastard" he said, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kid's"

Mrs Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" So Mrs Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says "You think you were embarrassed ... I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

After hours and hours of exhausting sex with a blonde, a man walks into his kitchen to get a drink. He fills his glass up with milk, when he looks down and realizes that his dick is still really hot. So he sticks his dick in the glass of milk to cool it down. Just as he does that the blonde walks in and says, "I always wondered how you refilled those things"

First guy: "You know I never slept with my wife until I married her. Did you?"
Blonde guy: "I don't know, what was her maiden name?"

A blonde came running downstairs crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said "No ma. I can have sex with the best of them. But he says I can't cook."

A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing?" "Just heating up dinner" she replies.

A blonde walk's into a store and tells the clerk she need's to buy some deodorant for her husband. "Does he use the ball kind?" asked the clerk. "No" replied the blonde "the kind for under his arm's."

A blonde is at the library, she opens a book and says "What are these funny markings on the paper "
The librarian says, "Words."
Blonde: do you have any picture books?
Librarian: Why?
Blonde: I can't tell what the "w u r d s" mean.
Librarian: Oh, well we have the children books.
Blonde: No.
Librarian: We have books with pictures of guys.
Blonde: All I have to do to see guys is flip up my mini skirt and wait for a while and they come to my door.

A mother of two 16 year old blonde daughters had just bought a new house in a new town. So they were buying paint, shades and all that you would need for a new place. The mother left the house to go shopping. She told the girls that she wanted them to paint the family room but, NOT get any paint on their clothes. After the mother left the two daughters decided that they should just take off all their clothes to obey their mother. So there they were painting naked when they heard a knock at the door. So they both went to the door and said "Who is it?" The reply was " The blind man." So the two blondes thought ... He's blind, so he won't be able to see us naked. They let him in. The man said "Nice tits lady, now where do you want the blinds?"

A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty blonde receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor." "It's rather embarrassing" the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection." "Well, the doctor is very busy today" the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

Did you hear about the overweight blonde woman that went to her doctor complaining about her lack of a sex life? "I have a solution" said the doctor. "Diet and everything will be okay." "What color?" asked the blonde.

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open wide." "I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."

One day a blonde buy's a home-made still for brewing liquor and was outraged when a surprise raid resulted in him being arrested. The judge explained that although they found no liquor they found the apparatus for brewing it and that was enough evidence. "You might as well convict me of rape then" yelled the blonde. The judge explained that there was no evidence that he had raped anyone. "Yes" said the blonde "but I've got the apparatus."

A sheriff in a small town sees a tall attractive blonde cowboy walking down the side walk wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and cowboy boots. Naturally the sheriff arrested him and put him in jail charging indecent exposure.

As the sheriff is about to leave the jail, he turns and asks the blonde cowboy, "why in the world were you walking around in town like that?"

The cowboy says, "Well, I was in this bar. And this really good looking lady came up to me, took me by the arm and took me out to her motor home. She took off her top and asked me to take off mine. So I did. She took off her bottom and asked me to take off mine. So I did. She took off her panties and asked me to take off my shorts. So I did. She got on the bed and said OK cowboy now 'go to town.' So I did"

A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."
The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"
To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

A man got on a plane and sat next to a blonde, after sitting for awhile she sneezed, took out a tissue and whipped her box. The man not knowing her said nothing and went about his business. After about 3 or 4 minutes she sneezed again and, the same thing, whipped her box. Finally, the man got the nerve and asked "what was wrong?"  She said that every time she sneezes she has an orgasm. "Oh!" the man said, are you taking anything for it?

"Yes", she said - "black pepper!"

Once a man walked naked in a bathroom holding 2 bars of soap. When three blondes walked in, he got so afraid and hid behind a vending machine.

The first blonde says, "lets see what they have in the vending machine," so she pulls the lever. The man gets afraid and drops one bar of soap.
The blonde says "hey I got a bar of soap."

The second blonde also gets a bar by pulling the lever.

Now the third blonde she pulls the lever but she doesn't get anything. She starts to cry and the other two blondes start to walk away, the blonde starts pulling the lever again and again in frustration, suddenly she stops crying and runs up to her friends and says, "hey look I got some lotion."

A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me ... babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it in detail to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

A blonde man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw
him they asked him what happened. He told them it had happened at church. They
insisted that you couldn't get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.

So, he told them, "I went to the church, I got on my knees and prayed, I stood up to sing the hymns, and there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. When she stood up, her dress got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like that so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys
asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again
they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church, I got on my knees and prayed, I stood up to sing the hymns, and there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of there again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that - so I shoved it back in."

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